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Poker Face...

I am really tired of being this girl who wears t-shirts all day, hides behind a pair of glasses, and doesn't do much that is "fun" anymore. So, I've decided that I am going to dye my hair a colour not normally associated with tan/olive skin: pink. I would like to try to do a light pink, but a dark pink is probably going to be my best bet. And I'm cutting my hair back to how I originally like it. For the past few months, since me, my husband, and young baby moved into my parents to try and get back on our feet, I've been pulling my bangs off to the side or clipping them back, but I really hate it. So, I'm going back to the straight baby-doll bangs, but I think I'll keep my long hair. I haven't had much time to work on myself lately with taking care of my infant, Vivienne, and I think it's about time that I start to work on me again. Maybe John will look at me and think, "Wow, my girl has got her confidence back" because I know he doesn't look at me much now. I'm going to even try and spice up my clothes a bit. Mom got me a dress form in my size at a garage sale so I can make my own clothes from patterns, but I haven't used it yet. I want to take some of the clothes I don't wear much anymore and re-vamp them.

I bet you're wondering what triggered this seemingly random radical change. I can tell you it isn't random. Just ask many of my old high school friends and they can tell you that back in day I wore some crazy outfits, and was a lot more confident. Although many people didn't know it, I really LOVE fashion, even if I don't show it much. This process started back at the end of June, at my cousin Erik's wedding. His Aunt Alexis (my Aunt Paula's sister) said to me when I commented on her really cute cocktail outfit, "Life's too short to wear ugly clothes." That statement has really stuck with me for the past few months, and it is what started this snowball towards change. I am so angry at myself for letting myself get this way. I am going to use my brief meeting with Miss Alexis to inspire me to wear the clothes I like, and not care what other people say about them. I also became recently inspired by Lady Gaga. I really like her music and clothes, and I like how she is so comfortable wearing the craziest things. I want to be more like that with myself.

So, hopefully once I start this process, I can find a way to keep it together and going. I'm tired of feeling like I let go of my dreams just because I became a mother earlier than expected. I need to use that as an inspiration instead of a hinderance. Please wish me all the luck you can on this!

Freakish Nightmare

I was taking a short nap while Vivi slept for a bit yesterday afternoon, and I had a very disturbing dream. I dreamt that John and I were living in this dorm type setting in a building with two floors. We were arguing about something, so I went and stayed with a friend in another room, only to hear a strange noise. I went to investigate, so I go upstairs and find my husband in bed with another woman. I was livid and started to rip off the sheets and scream at the girl. I asked John why he had decided it was okay to spend the night with someone else the same night we had just had a fight. It wasn't even getting a divorce or a separation fight, just a normal needing to cool off fight. Then I hear a faint sound on the other side of the house. It's Vivienne crying out, "Mamamamamama" like she does when she gets scared or upset and is calling for me. I try to go the other side on the second story only to find the second floor is divided and the only way to get there is to go back downstairs, then climb the staircase on the other side of the house. So I quickly leave, trying to get to my baby. Suddenly, Vivienne's cries become more and more frantic, turning into straight out screaming. I start running to her, running up the stairs. When I find her, a strange man is holding her with her clothes halfway off, and his finger is trying to penetrate her vagina. I scream out, trying to get my baby away from him, but he backs away from me out of reach too fast. I cry out, "My baby! Give me my baby!!" while Vivienne is crying as loud as ever. I try to get her out of his arms without hurting her too much, and while clawing off his face at the same time. Then I wake up.

I woke up crying with my heart breaking. Why am I having dreams like this? It hurts to even re-live the dream by writing it out. But I'm afraid that if I don't tell somebody that I will re-dream it, and I don't know if I can stand another sleep like that. I need some comfort :-(

Punk/Grunge Brushes

Elegant Brushes

New Journal, New Beginnings

For the past seven months, it feels like I've been in hiding.  I gave birth to my beautiful baby girl, Vivienne, seven months ago, and I've devoted all of my time to my precious baby.  So, I've disconnected with people in my life, except for the people who live in the same house as me.  And even then I feel like I've lost a connection.  I am hoping to learn how to be able to spend 95% of my time with Vivi and still connect to those I consider to be special in my life.

I've created this journal to not chronicle my life as it goes by, but to put down my thoughts, feelings, insecurities, and issues, hoping it to be self-enlightening and theraputic.  I hope that if anybody does end up reading this, that they may try and understand that I am only human with real emotions.  One entry might be very happy indeed, and the next one may be completely depressing. I also tend to write in "Stream of Consciousness", so if it's not in pretty little paragraphs, oh well. ^_^ But that's life, and so it goes.

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Lately, I've been feeling homesick.  Not homesick for just a physical place, but a period of time in my life.  I don't know if it's because I am close to my family again, and that it is the beginning of Autumn, but I have been craving the days of my sophomore and senior year of high school (I skipped my junior year) during football season.  Getting out onto the field as a football statistician/chord girl for the Head Coach, smelling the crisp air, listening to the marching band play 'Hang On, Sloopy'.  Sitting in the high school auditorium rehearsing my lines for the upcoming musical with my friends.  Having 15 of my closest friends and me all crammed into that tiny little lunch table, laughing and having a great time.  Going over to have "shindigs" for the whole night just playing video games, board games, or card games with everyone.  I miss those people, and I miss those connections.  I really wish I had stayed another year so I could've had three years with the closest friends I ever had instead of just those two.  The worst feeling in the world is leaving that whole group behind and feeling completely left out of everything after that.  It was much harder to see them all when they were still going to school and I had moved on.  I didn't want to move on without them.  And as a result, I fear that I ended up pushing them all away in short, hard thrusts of bad emotional outbursts because it hurt too much to not see them everyday.  I was completely jealous, and I really do wish I had acted better toward them all.  It's been 6 years and I still haven't gotten over it because of my stupidity of not letting myself check my ego at the door and apologize to them all.  And it's unfortunate that I probably will never have that closure I seek because it is very difficult, if not impossible to go back to my home, as I am now living 1,000 miles away, and so are my parents.  They moved back to their home, down south, after my brother and I graduated high school, so they are finally happy about where they live.  But, my childhood home is forever gone.  The house I grew up in is no longer mine to visit.  And most of those friends have left the state to start on their own adventures without any strings attached.  If I go back to that town, I will just be a tourist, not sure what's new anymore.  I think besides the fact that I miss my friends so much, I sincerely am grieving the fact that the one place I called home is no longer mine.  I feel lost and unsure of what to do.  And since I can't find any relief for the pain I am feeling that comes with being homesick, I am no longer the person I know I am.  I am more irritable and easy to anger.  I am hoping that by trying to reconnect with people once more, that I can truly regain old friendships and fix old misunderstandings.  Instead of living in my own little hole, surrounding myself with more and more emptiness, I need to reach out and try to become happier with myself and my life.  Wish me luck...

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